The Unusually Useful Usage of Both/And
By: Kristin Henry
I’m incorporating this concept into my life out of necessity, as I learn more about how trauma - remembered or intrinsic - can absolutely break the human nervous system. What I mean by it, is that two ideas that seem contradictory can exist mutually and simultaneously without canceling each other out.
Example: BOTH I feel very angry right now, AND I love you.
As I understand it, the importance of verbalizing both halves of this equation, is so that the listener can see a healthy expression of your emotional state, while also feeling secure that your love is not conditional to his or her behavior or the issue at hand. This helps us get that emotion does not have to derail rational thinking or relationships.
The application of this concept is obvious to any parent of a tween or teen, right? BOTH I absolutely want to murder you right now, AND I love you beyond measure and would do anything to keep you safe and healthy. Ideally, we don’t use those exact words.
The more I think about this in my personal life, the more I am aware of it in the world. We are pressured in society to take a side, and maybe that is useful, so we can get everybody’s attention on issues that need to be addressed. But at some point, if we want to come to a resolution while maintaining trust in each other - and I really believe and hope that most of us do - we have to shift the conversation to both/and, so we can find the common ground.
BOTH I want to keep my fellow man safe from a pandemic, AND I have concerns about the effect of self-isolation on our collective economic and emotional well-being.
BOTH I believe a woman should have the right to manage her reproductive health, AND I acknowledge the suffering of the many Americans who deeply feel that millions of in utero lives have been lost.
BOTH a Demogorgon is an evil murderous creature, AND it can be totally adorable as a baby.
Both/and. Not “either/or.” And definitely not “yeah/but.”
The biggest benefit of both/and, is that it allows us to acknowledge the other person’s opinion rather than dismiss it because it seems to contradict ours. Its biggest challenge is that it’s sticky, it makes things more complicated, requiring more energy and brainpower to solve issues.
But we are up to that aren’t we? Life and its struggles may be layered and complex, but so are we as people, right? We aren’t two dimensional stereotypes, none of us; we are rich and textured, with a multitude of beautiful and messy factors making us who we are at the core. And the brainpower we need? That lives in the collection of each of our independent experiences and knowledge bases. Each perspective is a piece of the puzzle. Collect them all - they’re free!
BOTH I make a conscious choice not to engage in or support racial practices, AND I recognize the implicit, unchosen biases deep within me, that I have inherited from our society’s centuries-old history of racial discrimination and abuse.
BOTH most policemen as individuals are good, human people, who daily sacrifice their well-being to protect our society, and thus deserve our appreciation and respect, AND the police as an institution contain deeply-rooted systemic racism that entangles officers of all color, and targets and endangers black lives.
BOTH as a white woman, many of my experiences with law enforcement have been positive, and so I have traditionally trusted the system to take care of me, AND I understand that this system is biased against an entire segment of our society, and must be restructured, so it can no longer be weaponized against People of Color.
BOTH Black Lives Matter, AND I have a vision for a world, where color of skin does not need to be a consideration or differentiator, and we are all equal and free.