The Key to Long Term Relationships - Platonic and Romantic
By: Casey Harding-Brown
I once read a quote from an older gentleman who had been married since his early 20’s.
When asked what he had done to help make their marriage last a lifetime he said that his wife had changed into multiple different, new versions of herself over the years and he learned to love all of them, and her over and over again. I found his response heartwarming, eye-opening and relatable.
Staying Close
I spent the beginning half of my childhood growing up in the rolling hills of the East Bay Area and the ladder half in Santa Barbara. I am now 27 years old and am still best friends with the girls I grew up with in the Bay Area. I left there when I was 11 years old and have not lived there since then. When people find this out about me they are usually equally shocked and impressed.
I hadn’t grasped how rare and lucky it was to have friends from such a young age that I was still so close with and when I did realize, my appreciation and love for them grew even more (which I didn’t think was possible.) Then I started reflecting on how we were still friends.
Yes, we all made points to AIM (lol! Remember AIM? My screenname was dramaqeen987 ha!), e-mail, call, and plan visits when our parents were willing to make the drive and then later when we got our own licenses we would make the five-hour trek ourselves.
In any relationship, you need to put in time and effort but that’s not what has allowed us to stay friends; Allowing ourselves and each other to change is.
It can be so easy to get stuck perceiving someone a certain way, especially when you’ve known them your entire life but the truth is everyone changes, some more than others. “You’ve changed” has always had such a negative connotation in our society. But why?! Shouldn’t we all be constantly growing and trying to change for the better?
When you let go of your old perceptions of your friends it allows them to present their newest authentic self. This allows them to continue to feel fully comfortable around you and in turn, allows you to do the same.
Have you ever changed for the better and have a friend constantly bring up the bad habit or tendency you no longer identify with? It’s so frustrating! Like, yes, that WAS me but here’s this new and improved me desperately trying to be seen and being completely shut down!
Some parts of people’s fundamental personalities will never change because that’s who they are but there’s plenty of room for change in other areas.
Disclaimer: this will NOT always be easy. There will be times you no longer see eye to eye or you feel like the friendship is just...off. This can happen for months or even years and you might even think the friendship is over. But if it truly is a friendship you cherish and want to keep I implore you to accept these coming and going waves of feelings within your relationship as normal.
When meeting people in elementary, high school or college it is guaranteed that through life events, experiences, aging, etc there will be changes with you and them. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let go of your past perceptions and personas to make room for the new.
I think the worst advice I ever received was the many yearbook signings saying “HAGS, Never change!” So please, change and grow and allow others to do the same.
